On Listening

Often, with couples, the issue is not about stopping the anger, it is about healing the hurt. To heal the hurt, you need to be able to hear the hurt. And that can mean listening to someone else's before you listen to your own. Sometimes when we truly listen, so as to understand the hurt that is below the anger of our partner, our own anger will dissipate. That is because it is often also about hurt and wounding.

Wounds take two forms, or perhaps have two origins--sometimes they are from our partner, but many times they are from vulnerabilities that we have in our past, that make us vulnerable in the present.

Watch for your vulnerabilities, from the past and the present. Try to separate one from the other. Commit to listening.

You know you have stopped listening when you start talking about yourself, not about your partner.