It's Not What They Say, It's What You Hear

I was out with a colleague the other day doing a joint interview of a caregiver we are considering hiring for an elderly client. The person we were interviewing made a comment. She was describing a client with dementia, mentioned Lewy Body Disease and then asked if we knew what that was. As we both have worked with aging for between twelve and twenty five years, we did.

Afterwards, my colleague mentioned this comment, but she had taken the comment in a much differnt manner than I did. She was a little insulted, and wondered if it had been almost a putdown, or a subtle dig.

It just reminded me about how much that happens in relationships is not about what someone says to us--it is about how we take it. We give things meaning. Sometimes we base this on what we know about the person saying it. But very often, it is based on something that is going on inside of us.

In working with couples, I often talk to them about the need to look at their interpretive process. It is hard to do. But that is where the work needs to come from. Interpretations have to do with our background, our experience, our trust levels, our fears, our stress levels, etc.

When couples are fighting, it is easier to interpret comments in a way that prevents the person saying them from getting closer. Our interpretations sometimes protect us.

And do us harm.