Rules and Tools of Relationships

Every relationship develops rules-unwritten patterns of behaviour which then become our scripts. Some are functional, some are not. They include things like how we respond, how we interpret what the other is saying, the tradeoffs we make.

These rules also become tools--the things we use to keep our relationships going.

When some of the rules become dysfunctional, we need to identify them, and the tools(actions) we use to keep them going.

Then we need to develop not only new rules--but new tools. The new tools will be ways to change the patterns.

You may have to experiment to find new tools, and you will have to work at finding new rules. How do you find them? By actually trying new things, new behaviours. Write down what you will do.

Remember that in the beginning it will not be easy necessarily, it will take some practice and perseverance. You are changing not only your behaviour, but also trying to influence the rules, which means your partner too. You are not changing your partner, you are working together to change the rules.

But someone has to start, and it takes a commitment, and some trust.