Secrets

Sometimes people come to see a counsellor because of their secrets, the things that they haven't been able to talk to anyone else about, or the things that they think they should not be thinking. Often, it is a chance for them to look at themselves in a safe place; sometimes it is like slowly looking in the mirror.

Usually, the things that we think are horrible about ourselves, or that we think we should not be thinking, are not so bad, not so unusual. It is just that the more we keep them a secret, the more the shame and the guilt grow.

Everyone has bitter feelings at times, everyone has done something that they wish they hadn't. In the end, it is easier to face ourselves, and let it out, and find some self forgiveness. That can start by finding the acceptance you find with a counsellor.

A counsellor's office is a safe and unique place for you-- a place for you to just be you.

Inidividuals: Self Care

I often have people talk to me about trying to solve a concern in one area of their life, forgetting the impact that problems in another area may have. It is like they are not considering all of the others. We are complete people--it is difficult to compartmentalize sometimes. Worries, espeically, tend to seep out.

First thing is to acknowledge where the stressors are. Sometimes it is better to tackle some of the smaller ones, and then move on to the bigger issues. For instance, if you're living situation is unstable, it may be hard to deal with your relationship, or tackle a depression. It is like building yourself a support base. When you have the base, you can move up higher. The more complicated things will seem easier then.

If you need to separate one issue from the other, for instance family concerns when you are at work, then allow yourself to make sure you will deal with them later. Imagine yourself putting the home concern in a box when you are at work. Shut the box, and lock it, and keep track of the key. Put it somewhere in your mind, with a mental note to open on the weekend, for exmple.

Give yourself a schedule or time to confront the different concerns, when you are ready. The fact that you do this organizes you and helps you to feel more in control

Couples: Your Experience Is Not Theirs

In about the fourth session of seeing one young couple, I turned to the wife and explained to her that what she was seeing in her partner isn't anger--it is fear. " Fear of what?" she asked me.

I told her that sometimes people are fearful of what they want--closeness and caring, and when they get it, they can feel overwhelmed by it. Sometimes people shut down, sometimes people withdraw, and sometimes they push back, almost as though they are trying to give themselves some breathing room.

She was quiet for a moment, and then asked, " But how can you be afraid of love?"

There was some ridicule in her voice, disdain that came from not understanding how someone else could be afraid of something which she isn't.

Her'es the point--often our partners have different views of things, events, processes, that we have; and they have different experiences of things than we have had. It can be hard to appreciate those differences if we do not understand them, or even know of them. Often, it is hard for one partner to articulate them. Often too, the misunderstanind comes from not listening.

Listening means exploring someone's reactions and feelings--getting to the bottom of them, without putting ourselves in there. Frankly, it means putting our own reactions aside and --shutting up--long enough to create the space in which a partner can speak.

Counselling: If The Paint is Peeling

A client said to me the other day, " I figured it was like in my work, when I paint. If I saw that the paint I was using was always peeling, I would go out and get new paint."

He was saying that he had been running into situations, and always reacting in the same way, as though repeating the patterns of his past and using the same reactions as the past. When he realized this, he could begin to look at new ways of interpreting events as they occur, and begin to react in different ways.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes the same point, a little differently: " Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

All of us can think about our reactions and think about the meaning of the events and relationships that trigger them

Counselling Success

A client said to me recently, " You've done wonders for me." I wanted to thank him for his confidence, but I also had to tell him that no, he did wonders for himself. He has seen a lot of counsellors, and never made much progress.

Part of the reason for his success now is because I have faith in him, I can see his good points and his strengths, and we have formed a good relationship.

But mostly his accomplishements and changes have been coming about because he has been willing to examine himself, see his part in how he is formulating and acting in his world, and try something new. The key is his openness to himself.