When the Past Runs the Future, and Destroys a Marriage

In an interview with a couple who have been together for many years, the other day he was complaining to her about the way she does things. That set her off and they almost got into a fight. I intervened and started talking with him about what it was about these things she did that bothered him. He just kept saying I don't know, I don't know, until finally, he sat bolt upright and with a startled look, started talking about something traumatic which had happened to him a long time ago, and how he had reacted to it. That reaction was a commitment to himself to live in a certain way, but it had become ultimately, destructive to him, and it was destroying his marriage. As we talked about this event and these times, he realized how it was running him, and that he could let that go. He didn't need it, and he didn't need his wife to be that way either. He could let her be her, and appreciate what she is and how she is.

So sometimes it really is our past which is running our relationships, it is our stuff that we need to take responsibility for and look at. The result is what can save a marriage.

Progress in Counselling

One way to increase the velocity and possibility of change and progress in counselling is to find situations outside of the counselling office where you can test out new behaviours and have new experiences of yourself and others. Look for ways and places to have new experiences. It might be joining something new, it might be going to somewhere new, it might be doing some things a little bit different.

Set up your goals for these experiences. Make them clear, specific, behavioural, and achievable. Also, make them realistic. We don't try to leap up a stairway in one bound, there are steps along the way to hel. It is the same with goals. Small ones, in which you achieve success can be more motivating to keep on going than trying large ones which seem insurmountable.

Keep a journal of what you have done.Write down what it was like, how it felt, and be as specific as you can about exactly what you did that made it a success, if it was.If it was not successful, analyze exactly what you did, and see if you can it in a different way. Remember too that sometimes changing behaviour takes time. Even the conscious effort to do so is one step. The fact that you tried is your first success.