Anxiety

One way to think about anxiety is that it is a warning of danger. You can see it as a helpful occurrence, and not as something out of control and scary.

Anxeity is also a response to a stimulus that has generalized. ORiginally there may have been a danger of some kind, perhaps physical, perhaps psychological. But the original danger gets lost and the fear response is activated at other times which sometimes are so far from the original source, that one doesn't remember what it was.

Ask youself, what is this a warning about? Be as specific as you can. Ask yourself who, what where, when it came from. Then examine if the current situation or thought necessitates this fear reaction--is this something I have to be afraid of?

Remind yourself that you may have skills now that you didn't have, that you are older, wiser, not a child anymore, and this is something you can handle. Perhaps remind yourself that the person or situation that is at hand, is different from what the fear is telling you about. These people are not your parents, you can say no, you have options, you can walk away.

Foster Homes and Abuse

I was talking to a friend of mine who works in the Ministry that looks after children and familis in BC. We were talking about foster homes where the care is substandard. He was telling me that it is not easy to close down a foster home because of the Foster Parents Association. My first reaction was one of anger--I thought, whose side are those people on? They should be on the side of the children. If there is a problematic foster home, with documented evidence, there is no question it should be shut down.

Yes, I know there are loads of wonderful people who are great foster parents. And I know kids will not always tell the truth. But when there are consistent problems, and ongoing complaints, we should not have to wait five and ten years to help.

The problem is there are not enough foster homes, my friend said. Somehow, we have to work harder. That is not a good excuse to put children in harm's way.

Fear and Pressure

Somebody told me the other day that he was feeling a lot of pressure to do something. When we talked about it, we looked at what it meant--what does pressure really mean, and where does it come from?

Sometimes the pressure we feel comes from within ourselves. Sometimes pressure is about fear-- we are afraid of not doing something, afraid of saying no, afraid of standing up for ourselves. What are we afraid of? Often, it is of losing something, or someone. A close relationship. Money. A job.

Often, when we look at it, we find that the consequences are not as fearful as we thought, we had just never thought it through.

Rules and Tools of Relationships

Every relationship develops rules-unwritten patterns of behaviour which then become our scripts. Some are functional, some are not. They include things like how we respond, how we interpret what the other is saying, the tradeoffs we make.

These rules also become tools--the things we use to keep our relationships going.

When some of the rules become dysfunctional, we need to identify them, and the tools(actions) we use to keep them going.

Then we need to develop not only new rules--but new tools. The new tools will be ways to change the patterns.

You may have to experiment to find new tools, and you will have to work at finding new rules. How do you find them? By actually trying new things, new behaviours. Write down what you will do.

Remember that in the beginning it will not be easy necessarily, it will take some practice and perseverance. You are changing not only your behaviour, but also trying to influence the rules, which means your partner too. You are not changing your partner, you are working together to change the rules.

But someone has to start, and it takes a commitment, and some trust.

On choosing a counsellor

Once again today I was reminded about how important it is to have a counsellor you trust. My clients make great strides sometimes, because they are able to trust me, that I will be there for them, and with them, as they go on their respective journeys, which are often difficult, and sometimes frightening. Facing old fears, or new ones, or traumas is sometimes the core of counselling--you need to do it with someone you trust.

On guilt and grief

There are times when guilt and grief become difficult to pass through because they serve some needs. They tell people and ourselves that we do care, they defend us against what we feel might be criticisms on how we are handling things.

Often the fear of what someone else will think is more about how we feel at some level-- a criticism about ourselves, a way of punishing ourselves.

Everyone does grief in their own way and time. We have different strengths, different histories, and different skills. Only you know what is right for you.

Changing Your Relationship

I was speaking to a client the other day who was telling me how difficult it was dealing with some of their spouse's behaviour. My client knows the spouse has a problem and is trying and trying to help, but to no avail, and the spouse doesn't change.

I suggested that my client change their response to the spouse. If my client cannot help, or the spouse is not willing/able to accept help (for some depression) then the only thing that can change is my client's response.

The point is, sometimes, many times, we focus on someone else's behaviour and get frustrated when they will not change. Whereas a behaviour can be or become about something between you, a solution can be to just change your behaviour and outlook, because that is something you do have control over.